As soon as we voiced our doubts about our relationship, we expressed our love for each other. We held each other close as if to grip the string we almost let slip through our hands. We didn’t decide on separation then.
I was at the cliff’s edge with Stuart as my only lifeline. I was too afraid to start a new life alone. I guessed this was how some women remained in a relationship or marriage – for fear of losing the sense of safety, whether it is solid or fragile. “I don’t think I can live this current life without Stuart,” I once confided to Scott. His brows drooped with sympathy. “That’s not true, you can do this alone,” he assured me. I could have, had I borrowed more money from my parents. But I was too ashamed of my failure at my previous job and the amount of money I had already borrowed. I told myself I was fortunate to have such a kind boyfriend who supported me. I was six months away from finishing business school. But the intensified school work and looming concerns around the economy and the job market only tightened my grip on the delusion of security.